Ten Things You Never Say to a Mom

Trivia tidbit: Before the advent of cell phones, Mother’s Day was the busiest day of the year for long distance telephone calls. Which just proves most of us were afraid Mom may have forgotten to remind us to wear clean underwear, or to take out the trash—so we had to call to see what we missed.

Our youngest son once walked into the kitchen and said, “If I tell you something will you promise not to get freaked out?” It could have caused temporary breathing problems on my part, had I not experienced heart-stopping episodes already with his older siblings.

It turned out he only had sprained his ankle playing volleyball. Whew! The quick mental “what-if” list laid to rest, I then could relax and deal with only a minor emergency.

So children, listen up! If you want your mom to live long enough to help raise the grandkids, avoid saying these things:

• Look Mom, no hands!

• Will you get mad if I tell you something?

• Did the school call you today?

• I didn’t know it would blow up!

• Are you supposed to call the police if you have an accident?

• Nice outfit, Mom. The blue matches the varicose veins in the back of your legs.

• Whose toothbrush is the pink one? I dropped it in the toilet yesterday.

• I told the teacher I would bring cupcakes to our class party today.

• The Boy Scouts (or whatever clubs) are having their meeting at our house after school today.

• The IRS called and left a message but I can’t remember what they said.

Am I the only mother who bore children with risk quotas above the national level?

Am I the only one with a son who loved hanging upside down from tree limbs high above the ground? (He now jumps out of airplanes.)

Does anybody else have children who drive like they're at the time trials for the Indy 500?

Am I the only mom who watched a thousand what-if scenarios in my mind in living technicolor, while trying to sleep at night?

Oh, I’m not complaining. I’m just explaining why my hair turned prematurely white. I’ve almost mastered the facial tic and the stutter may go away someday.

What about you? Know anyone with children who gave them gray hair? Please comment below.