Male Guide to Christmas Shopping

Men, it’s that time of year, when the special woman in your life expects a gift. Whether it’s a girlfriend, wife or mom to buy for, this thought strikes fear in the hearts of males everywhere. About six pm on Christmas Eve, their heads snap up and they say, “Oh, I need to buy a gift!”

If shopping makes you feel like deer in the headlights, keep reading. Anticipating the mad rush this season when you have been thinking of why the car won’t start, what’s for lunch, and other survival things…this could help you look like you’ve been plotting all along to buy that special gift.

While originally intended for Black Friday shopping, the guide works equally well for Christmas Eve pandemonium. Applying these football terms could turn you into a savvy shopper.

• Black Friday: Day after Thanksgiving, when we set aside Thursday to be grateful for what we have, so shoppers can trample others on Friday to acquire more possessions. On this day, merchants offer goods at great discounts. It’s helpful to brush up on block-and-tackle techniques before going. Bargain-crazed men and women can become violent when threatened by interception.

• Blitz: When a person futilely sprints to be first in line at the checkout register and resembles a five-foot running back charging towards a towering wall of defensive linemen.

• Bump and Run: One shopper jostles another, causing them to drop what they’re holding. If you’re fortunate to see this happen, you can rush to the cash register first and get out of the store.

• Fair Catch: A play involving two or more shoppers on the same team. Shopper A signals Shopper B with a discreet wave as he throws a selected sale item down the aisle to him, to avoid being tackled. Shopper B then disappears around the corner and deposits item in cart.

• Field Goal: Dashing into the store, seizing an item to buy, paying at the register, and returning to your car—all within ten minutes.

• Fumble: When a shopper drops a coveted gift item. It then becomes fair game for anyone passing by.

• Incomplete Pass: Cruising around inside the store, finding nothing your wife/girlfriend/mom will want.

• Interception: When you reach for the last item in the sale bin, and the lady with green and purple hair snatches it out of your hand and rushes to the register first.

• Line of Scrimmage: Aisle in store offering the town’s last five copies of a famous game.

• Neutral Zone: The store restroom. Possibly the only place you may not get tackled.

• Retail Price: Inflated profit charged by merchants for cheap items made in a foreign country from inferior materials.

• Sale: Misleading term used by merchants to denote prices marked up by 30%, then tagged at 15% off.

• Touchdown: Crawling on hands and knees to retrieve baby’s pacifier, which landed on the back of the lower shelf in the crowded toy aisle.

This list should prepare you for the sometimes-harrowing experience known as Christmas shopping. Remember protective footwear.

What about you? Can you think of more football terms for shopping? You can use the comment box below.